sometimes my self-loathing reaches a boiling point and i have to take a nap before i hurt myself
A really good family friend died this afternoon. She’s my brother’s ex-girlfriend’s grandmother. I’ve known their whole family since I was in junior high. I adore them all. Grammy was wickedly funny and sarcastic and really bold. She threw a fan at a nurse once because the nurse wouldn’t let her out of the hospital. She tried to escape at least once. She was in there for a long time and I didn’t ever visit her for a lot of reasons. I don’t think I ever really wanted to accept the fact that she was probably in there for the long run, even when things started looking dire. I hate visiting hospitals and I know I should have gotten over that and gone to see her and I hate myself for never doing it. I finally decided to go today because they’d withdrawn her from dialysis and I got there only to see a sign on her room’s door that said ‘sept. 29 clean out’ and I didn’t really want to know what that meant. The nurse sitting at the station next to me told me she’d died at noon. I missed her by hours.
I forgot my mom’s birthday.